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oneiral

[ website | PK Shitstorm ]
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picked up your footsteps and made them my own [03 Mar 2011|11:31pm]
 I have grown accustomed to falling asleep to the sound of whirring drives. Clavier, the desktop, is poorly-assembled and probably makes more noise than it should. I keep the laptop on my bed sometimes now. The keyboard is back in place of the desk I used so much last year. I tried to remember how to play one of the songs I used to know, today. It was a lame song anyway.
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minor giant steps [22 Feb 2011|01:02am]
todo_always.txt:

- do not sleep past noon
- open the blinds before getting on the computer
- always look nice when going out
- make eye contact while talking and listening
- drink a glass of water for every meal


It's easier to do the little things. Make sure my room is clean before I go out. Put my clothes away when I take them off. Do something productive before doing several somethings leisurely. And it's been a little while since I've been scared, the hopeless slicing i can't do it i won't be able to do it i don't want to fail again gut-fear. The failure isn't in doing, it's in trying. Stop before you begin.

But if there's one thing I'm good at, it's learning.

My hair is darker and no longer self-cut. I haven't weighed this little since my early teens. Against all precedent, people are coming to me for confidence and support. My coworkers like me. I think. It's not so hard; it's not so bad.


This is a temporary state. Given half a week or so it'll all start feeling like a facade again.
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re# [01 Feb 2011|07:07pm]
In spring of 2008, I dumped my first boyfriend and it was a mess. He was a meteorite, a ball of wreckage consumed by flame. My best friend, my future lover, he was the sun. And I was cold. It took me half a year to stop feeling like some dull thing.

I am not dull or dulled, but that's still a far cry from luminous.
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[27 Jan 2011|04:33pm]
he cast a monolith upon the grass
to loom above the garden snake all sinuous and small
startled from her burrowing
by the towering shadow that over her fell

all languorous for want of summer sun
the serpent knots and writhes within the shadow's pall
bares her fangs to earthy air
and exposes the cavern of her inner walls

that's echoed by the chiffon length of skin
which twists and curls off from her twitching tail
ghosting down between the blades
a corporeal timeline in gossamer trail

the monolith is caked with dirt and leaves
and now a sheath of shedded scales
stretched halfway into the light
she reposes in wait of the rain, and is still.
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how incessant [10 Nov 2010|04:35pm]
 I have been repulsed by my own behavior. There is no productivity in the things I do or think about, so what to fill the gap with?

Well.
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such terrible, inane bullshit [27 Oct 2010|02:57am]
Now I remember why I hid this. It really is that bad. I've been considering often lately how only three years ago I was fifteen -- and here, it's been one year, a little more. Part of adulthood, I think, is a certain intellectual maturity -- not a cementing of development (necessarily), but of style and affect. Within the next few years I will be able to look back upon my thoughts and problems and reactions without chagrin.

I'm not quite there yet, but I think it's important to mark the way. Also, I'm still a journalfag, and by all means narcissistic enough to pore over my own confused musings. This might continue, in other words, since I still use the screenname. Maybe.

I have been keeping a dream journal, a veritable inferior somnesiac. It's here. While I've already tainted it with true-journal nonsense to a small degree, it feels... incorrect to do so to a significant extent. The waking and sleeping worlds are separate things, each with its own beauty. These days I rarely have dreams worth recording.

Especially hackneyed here are the relationship posts; I am a fallible creature. Worse, I'm a receptacle of a person by nature, and terrible at holding down contacts for long -- the phases of my life are very much shaped by human influence and this chapter isn't different in the slightest. I'll talk about it some other time, maybe -- in a private entry more likely than not, because goddamn is this limerence guaranteed to make my future self (and your current self) scoff. It's lovely and terrifying and we've all seen it before; move right along. Some other time.
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[25 Dec 2009|07:04pm]
...and I've decided to pull the plug on this. Normally I'd leave it out there for all eternity, but if I'm going to have to keep the username, I don't want it tainted with the shit in here hanging out for everyone to see. It's not erased, just locked behind a custom friendgroup.

Because I assume there are people out there like me:

If for some reason you want access, find a way to contact me (hint: messaging this account probably isn't your best option), make an LJ, ask, and I'll add you to my super-secret VIP access list. Sorry for the inconvenience.
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GOD FUCKING YES [01 Mar 2009|07:14pm]

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